今天做了一些翻譯，英譯漢
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.想一想普通人有多蠢，而且他們中有一半人其實更蠢！
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
游泳不是運動。游泳是避免淹死的方法。這是常識。
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
房間只是一個當你外出時放你東西的地方，然后你帶了更多東西回來。
Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
你有沒有注意到，別人的好東西都是狗屎，而你的狗屎也是好東西？
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
我要活，我不要死。這是人生的全部意義：不要死！當我三年級的時候我就明白了這個道理
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
老實坦白是最好的。重要的是你要記住，顯然，用消除法，不老實是第二好的。
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little
如果這是真的，我們人類在宇宙中是孤獨的，那我只能說，這宇宙所圖非大。（什么意思呢）
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
有7個單詞你不能在電視上說，。。。。。。屎，尿，操，混蛋，混蛋，混蛋和奶頭。（有點像機器翻譯。可愛的奶頭就這么中槍了）
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
我自言自語。因為只有我的回答我才滿意。
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
我剛剛發現生命的意義，它就變了。
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
宗教試圖說服人們，有那么一個看不見的人。。。他住在天上，他每一分鐘都在盯著你，看著你做每一件事。他列出一個包含了十件事的清單，他不希望你去做。如果你做了其中任意一件事，他會把你送到一個特殊的地方，那里有火，有燒，有煙，你會在那里痛苦地被折磨直到永遠。但是，他愛你。還有，他需要錢。
If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
如果這事需要一件正式的制服，那它必是無意義的折磨。
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
如果你活得足夠久，遲早你認識的所有人都得了癌癥。
（我不同意，我把它改為：如果你活得足夠久，你會發現你認識的這許多人，有各種奇怪的死法）
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
一旦發現一個無名英雄，他就不是了。
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
總的來說，語言是一個工具，用來隱瞞真相。
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
有沒有注意到，比你差的人都是笨蛋，比你強的人都是瘋子？
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
我曾是天主教徒，直到我懂事。
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
宗教帶給我們的唯一好處是音樂。
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
想一想，當你正在讀這句話的時候，在某個地方，某個人，正準備吊死自己。
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
他們稱之為『中國夢』，因為你只有睡著了才會相信它。
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
如果一個人一直在笑，他很可能是在賣一件根本不好用的東西。
So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
當下，是我最老的時候。
The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
金門大橋上應該有一個蹦極。有的人并沒有準備好要自殺，他只是想試一試。
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
資本主義在努力達到一個平衡：它盡可能使人得到剛好夠多，不會發狂去搶別人的東西。
I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
我不怕高。我只是怕從高處掉下來。
