01
先說本人，加拿大社會(huì)科學(xué)女博士在讀，未婚，現(xiàn)居溫哥華，中國籍。我還有個(gè)雙胞胎姐姐，她是美國紐約大學(xué)醫(yī)學(xué)院教授。姐妹倆雖都在北美，見面機(jī)會(huì)卻不多。
兩年前我在交友網(wǎng)站上認(rèn)識(shí)了加拿大籍男友 Rene，同齡，本科，網(wǎng)絡(luò)游戲程序員，獨(dú)子。
去年下半年我回中國田野調(diào)查，兩個(gè)人遠(yuǎn)距離9個(gè)月，交往兩年期間，關(guān)系穩(wěn)定。上個(gè)月我在美國的雙胞胎姐姐打電話來說醫(yī)生建議她立即手術(shù)。男友得知姐姐的病情，立刻幫我查詢機(jī)票，建議我盡快飛到紐約幫姐姐平安度過術(shù)后恢復(fù)期。
我與Rene 本沒有明確的結(jié)婚計(jì)劃，卻因?yàn)樗倪@番表現(xiàn)，我突然生出與他長相廝守的念頭來。紐約臨行前，我花半天時(shí)間給 Rene 寫了一封信，告訴他我對(duì)婚姻以及我倆關(guān)系的理解，從前我倆也聊過，我們認(rèn)為結(jié)婚可早可晚，可有可無，重要的是兩個(gè)人彼此坦誠。
我在寫這封信時(shí)不禁深深感嘆，在選擇人生伴侶這件事上，人生經(jīng)歷對(duì)婚戀觀的作用實(shí)在是太大了。我不能想象，如果自己沒有在20來歲時(shí)出國留學(xué)，沒有過去十幾年來中美兩岸奔波的經(jīng)歷，能否全然按照自己的心意選擇結(jié)婚對(duì)象，或者有不婚的選擇。
附上寫給男友的求婚清單，英文原文加上中文翻譯，方便大家閱讀。
02
A life proposal: Why Rene should consider marrying Bei? 人生提議：Rene為什么要考慮和北結(jié)婚？由北起草
Prerequisite Rene和我的共識(shí)
Marriage is an option, not a necessity. 結(jié)婚是個(gè)選項(xiàng)，而非必需。
We’ve already had several rounds of conversation discussing the meaning of marriage. We both agree that marriage is socially structured. It’s for men and women who desire an agreement that will mutually benefit them.
我們倆已經(jīng)針對(duì)婚姻的意義進(jìn)行過幾輪討論。我們都意識(shí)到婚姻是社會(huì)制度的產(chǎn)物，是男女雙方出于共同利益達(dá)成的協(xié)議。
We choose marriage based on our own decision, rather than what has been suggested or driven by any other person. We will not get married because of social pressure. We are both satisfied as to who we are, what we do, how we feel. We appreciate each other's company. No one will manipulate us because of the decisions we make. In other words, we will continue to enjoy being who we truly are with or without marriage.
我們選擇婚姻是基于自身意愿，而不是受人驅(qū)使或脅迫。我們不會(huì)因?yàn)樯鐣?huì)壓力而結(jié)婚。我們倆對(duì)自己是什么樣的人、自己所做的事和感受都挺知足。我們感恩對(duì)方的陪伴，沒有人對(duì)我們的決定指手畫腳。換言之，無論結(jié)不結(jié)婚，我們都將繼續(xù)享受現(xiàn)在擁有的一切。
Love is an ingredient of the good romance, but marriage doesn't end there. 愛是浪漫關(guān)系的原料，不過要結(jié)婚的話，光有愛是不夠的。
As a good foundation for our relationship, we fully accept the person we fall in love with. We consider marriage by being consciously honest to ourselves.We don't have an agenda to change the other. Honesty and acceptance is our relationship’s main course, and love is the ingredient that adds flavor to it.
我們兩個(gè)人關(guān)系的基礎(chǔ)是彼此全然接受對(duì)方。如果我倆選擇結(jié)婚，那是對(duì)自身的坦誠。我們沒打算改造對(duì)方。自我誠實(shí)和接受對(duì)方是我們關(guān)系的主旋律，而愛，更像是調(diào)味品，給我們的關(guān)系增添情趣。
We have practical reasons to go forward on a solid marriage plan. 我們有務(wù)實(shí)的理由啟動(dòng)結(jié)婚計(jì)劃。
We are not naive about the practical benefits of getting married. These reasons include, but are not limited to the political, financial, and psychological benefits. We will only consider marriage if we mutually trust each other and are ready to discuss the benefits and the details of getting married.
我們并不否認(rèn)結(jié)婚能給自己帶來切實(shí)利益，包括政治、財(cái)務(wù)和心理上的，但不限于此。當(dāng)我們信任對(duì)方、準(zhǔn)備好討論各種利益和細(xì)節(jié)，才會(huì)考慮結(jié)婚。
Why Bei is a good candidate for marriage? 為什么應(yīng)該選北為結(jié)婚對(duì)象？
An authentic person: Consistent and caring as core criteria for everyday life. 一個(gè)真實(shí)的人：表里一致、關(guān)心他人，這是維持生活日常最重要的性格品質(zhì)。
Like 90% of women, sometimes I’m a little crazy. My craziness is just the right amount, neither too little to make you bored nor too much where I’d go out of control and burn down the house. My temper level is considerably low-to-medium, and I rely on my close female friends and family as allies.
我跟絕大多數(shù)女人一樣，有時(shí)是有點(diǎn)瘋。但這種瘋狂恰到好處，不至于少到讓人憋悶無聊，又不會(huì)多到失控要放火燒掉房子的地步。我的脾氣可算是相當(dāng)好了，有閨蜜和家人的支持，總體上情緒穩(wěn)定。
I don't push anyone to do the things they resist. And very often, I am comfortable with people even they are control freaks to a certain degree. Since we don't plan to have any children, I don't predict a dramatic personality switch for us in our long-term relationship.
我不強(qiáng)人所難。大部分時(shí)間里，我跟人相處哪怕遇到控制欲蠻強(qiáng)的人都覺得挺自在。咱倆說好沒打算生娃，所以從長遠(yuǎn)的關(guān)系看，我猜自己也不會(huì)性格突變，歇斯底里。
Highlyintelligent: Pursuing a self-supported, fulfilling lifestyle that is open to all kinds of possibilities. 智商高：追求一種開放、自立、自我滿足的生活方式。
I like to entertain myself by paying attention to ordinary life and writing down my thoughts and observations. I am bold and original, and I allow myself to make mistakes. I don't want to waste my talent on living an ordinary life. I live life on my own terms. For everything I say above, I have you in my mind to pursue this lifestyle.
我沒拿別人的生活標(biāo)準(zhǔn)當(dāng)回事，我對(duì)創(chuàng)造性生命的定義是關(guān)注平凡的生活，寫下自己的想法，自我娛樂。我勇敢，有獨(dú)立見解，允許自己犯錯(cuò)。我不想把我的才能浪費(fèi)在庸俗的生活狀態(tài)上。我要過自己的生活。談到追求剛才說到的這種生活方式時(shí)，我的腦子里全是你。
I know we already have a lot of things in common: we love to travel, we are not afraid of visiting new places, we love the environment, we love original artwork, and we ARE creative. We don't give a shit about arrogant people, and we don't care about being socially accepted wherever we happen to be. I know you are better than me on this, and I have received great advice from you.
我知道咱倆有很多共同點(diǎn)：喜歡旅行，不懼怕去陌生的地方，我們熱愛環(huán)境，都喜歡原創(chuàng)藝術(shù)，不走尋常路。我們都對(duì)傲慢的人不屑一顧，咱倆無論到哪，都不大理會(huì)服從社會(huì)規(guī)訓(xùn)。我知道你在這方面比我強(qiáng)，也從你那里得到過很棒的忠告。
You’re such a nerd, and I’m so un-Chinese. Let’s be frank about these things and create a fulfilling us-land with a sense of purpose. I’m willing to support you, so you can achieve your dreams and will stand by your side as you pursue them.
你真是個(gè)書呆子，我呢，也不算是典型的中國人。對(duì)于這一點(diǎn)，咱倆就坦率地承認(rèn)吧，我們應(yīng)該過一種原創(chuàng)的生命體驗(yàn)，那是一種賦予意義的、飽滿真誠的生活。我愿意全力支持你，幫你實(shí)現(xiàn)你的夢(mèng)想，在逐夢(mèng)路上我們并肩作戰(zhàn)！
Willing to improve myself? 樂于完善自我
I am a Ph.D. candidate. I like to solve problems using the scientific method. I could draft a proposal using the Paper App, or dig into the scientific literature of sexual behavior. I want to make our life less boring and more creative. I am happy to conduct experiments, survey questionnaires, interviews, and observations in order to know you better. The purpose for doing so is to bring an unexpected joy to you.
我是博士生，也愛運(yùn)用科學(xué)解決問題。撰寫這篇求婚清單，我就嘗試用一款名為Paper的文案應(yīng)用軟件，還有當(dāng)咱倆在xoxo方面有分歧時(shí)，我還搜索了性行為研究的權(quán)威學(xué)術(shù)文獻(xiàn)，而不是從日本動(dòng)作片上尋找答案。我不想讓咱生活得像白開水，而是充滿了創(chuàng)造力。為了更好的了解你，我愿意調(diào)動(dòng)實(shí)驗(yàn)、調(diào)查、訪談和科學(xué)觀察等種種科研手段，讓你總有意料之外的快樂和驚喜。
I know that a 9-5 job isn't your first choice. I appreciate it when you do the things on your to-do list, rather than on your favorite things list. However, I hope to live a more meaningful life with you by helping you do more things on your favorite things list. Together, we will add to that list.
我也知道你不喜歡朝九晚五。所以當(dāng)你主動(dòng)自我犧牲，去做那些所謂應(yīng)該做而你未必愛做的事時(shí)，我心里面是相當(dāng)領(lǐng)情，感激你的。不過你放心，我會(huì)支持你去做那些讓你心潮澎湃有熱情的事，跟你過更有意義的生活。為了這個(gè)目標(biāo)，咱倆一起努力！
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幾天前，我和姐姐聊到中美文化在女性審美方面的差異。從外形上，中國人偏愛白弱美，年齡不超過25-27的未婚女性是人們普遍認(rèn)可的理想結(jié)婚對(duì)象，不少中國男性把小龍女當(dāng)成夢(mèng)中情人。而北美則沒有“女神標(biāo)配”，各族群、年齡段、高矮胖瘦都有美人，各花入個(gè)眼。
另外，在談及一對(duì)男女的匹配度時(shí)，中國人更強(qiáng)調(diào)家庭背景和個(gè)人條件上“門當(dāng)戶對(duì)”，而美國人則比較看重兩個(gè)人在價(jià)值觀、生活方式上是否協(xié)調(diào)。從我個(gè)人的社交圈子看，在選擇人生伴侶時(shí)，女方只要身體健碩、懂得感恩、思想獨(dú)立、有蓬勃生機(jī)，無論到哪都絕對(duì)加分。所以我認(rèn)為前段時(shí)間網(wǎng)上傳播的北京相親角鄙視鏈，只不過代表了目前國內(nèi)大眾婚戀市場(chǎng)的取向。
女博士和女強(qiáng)人不被看好，甚至被認(rèn)為是婚戀市場(chǎng)的底層人群，說到底，是因?yàn)樯鐣?huì)的進(jìn)步跟不上女性進(jìn)步的步伐，大眾審美還不夠多元。
高知女性群體——包括高智商、高學(xué)歷、30歲以上和高收入的女性的偏見標(biāo)簽比比皆是。比如說，當(dāng)她們和男性同樣在正當(dāng)表述個(gè)人主見時(shí)，一旦占了上風(fēng)，就會(huì)被認(rèn)為是女魔頭。在科研領(lǐng)域，和同齡男性相比，女碩士很少在畢業(yè)后選擇繼續(xù)從事更高領(lǐng)域的科研崗位，早早放棄學(xué)術(shù)生命。
我的父母在教導(dǎo)我們兩姐妹時(shí)，甚至也說到東方美人之所以在男性眼中比西方現(xiàn)代女性的性魅力更勝一籌，那是因?yàn)樵谒缴罘矫娓雍铐槒模皇翘舳簾崃摇嵣碜院眠@個(gè)詞，在中國話里可以用來罵人的，一旦有人當(dāng)著你的面說這個(gè)詞，就暗示你違反了某種秘而不宣的行為準(zhǔn)則。然而在西方發(fā)達(dá)國家語境下，公開對(duì)女性發(fā)表類似的道德評(píng)論，弄不好要被對(duì)方訴訟性侵犯或人身攻擊。
所以，我把寫給男友的信公開，想盡綿薄之力，提醒每一個(gè)有獨(dú)立意識(shí)的中國人：高知女性并不是一個(gè)孤立的群體。你身為其中的一份子，或許在生活中受到各種不公待遇，但沒必要自降身價(jià)去跟大眾智商找平。
年輕和不太年輕的女生們，請(qǐng)珍惜自己的學(xué)識(shí)，與志同道合者同行。精神上的自由來之不易，我們不要放棄。
