For a long time you failed to notice me, although I took up my post outside your house every night, even when it was snowing, or when the keen (強烈的) wind of the Viennese winter was blowing.
Sometimes I waited for hours in vain. Often, in the end, you would leave the house in the company of friends.
Twice I saw you with a woman, and the fact that I was now awakened, that there was something new and different in my feeling towards you, was disclosed by the sudden heart-pang when I saw a strange woman walking confidently with you arm-in-arm.
It was no surprise to me, for I had known since childhood how many such visitors came to your house; but now the sight aroused in me a definite (確切的) bodily pain.
I had a mingled feeling of enmity (憎恨) and desire when I witnessed this open manifestation of fleshly (肉體的) intimacy (親密) with another woman.
For a day, animated by the youthful pride from which, perhaps, I am not yet free, I abstained (放棄) from my usual visit; but how horrible was this empty evening of defiance and renunciation!
The next night I was standing, as usual, in all humility, in front of your window; waiting, as I have ever waited, in front of your closed life.
At length came the hour when you noticed me. I marked your coining from a distance, and collected all my forces to prevent myself shrinking out of your path.
As chance would have it, a loaded dray (運貨馬車) filled the street, so that you had to pass quite close to me.
Involuntarily (無心地) your eyes encountered my figure, and immediately, though you had hardly noticed the attentiveness (專注) in my gaze, there came into your face that expression with which you were wont to look at women.
The memory of it darted through me like an electric shock - that caressing and alluring glance, at once enfolding and disclothing, with which, years before, you had awakened the girl to become the woman and the lover.
For a moment or two your eyes thus rested on me, for a space during which I could not turn my own eyes away, and then you had passed.
My heart was beating so furiously that I had to slacken (放緩) my pace; and when, moved by irresistible (不可抵抗的) curiosity, I turned to look back, I saw that you were standing and watching me.
The inquisitive (好奇的) interest of your expression convinced (使確信) me that you had not recognised me. You did not recognise me, either then or later. How can I describe my disappointment?
This was the first of such disappointments: the first time I had to endure what has always been my fate; that you have never recognised me.
I must die, unrecognised. Ah, how can I make you understand my disappointment? During the years at Innsbruck I had never ceased to think of you. Our next meeting in Vienna was always in my thoughts.
My fancies (想象) varied with my mood, ranging from the wildest possibilities to the most delightful. Every conceivable variation had passed through my mind.
In gloomy moments it had seemed to me that you would repulse (憎惡) me, would despise (蔑視) me, for being of no account, for being plain, or importunate (糾纏不休的).
I had had a vision of every possible form of disfavour, coldness, or indifference.
But never, in the extremity of depression, in the utmost realisation of my own unimportance, had I conceived this most abhorrent (厭惡的) of possibilities - that you had never become aware of my existence.
I understand now (you have taught me!) that a girl's or a woman's face must be for a man something extraordinarily mutable (易變的).
It is usually nothing more than the reflexion of moods which pass as readily (容易地) as an image vanishes from a mirror.
A man can readily forget a woman's face, because she modifies (更改) its lights and shades, and because at different times the dress gives it so different a setting.
Resignation (順從) comes to a woman as her knowledge grows. But I, who was still a girl, was unable to understand your forgetfulness.
My whole mind had been full of you ever since I had first known you, and this had produced in me the illusion that you must have often thought of me and waited for me.
How could I have borne to go on living had I realised that I was nothing to you, that I had no place in your memory.
Your glance that evening, showing me as it did that on your side there was not even a gossamer (蛛絲) thread connecting your life with mine, meant for me a first plunge into reality, conveyed to me the first intimation (暗示) of my destiny.
You did not recognise me.
Two days later, when our paths again crossed, and you looked at me with an approach to intimacy (親密), it was not in recognition of the girl who had loved you so long and whom you had awakened to womanhood;
it was simply that you knew the face of the pretty lass (小姑娘) of eighteen whom you had encountered at the same spot two evenings before.
Your expression was one of friendly surprise, and a smile fluttered (飄動) about your lips. You passed me as before, and as before you promptly slackened your pace.
I trembled, I exulted (狂喜), I longed for you to speak to me. I felt that for the first time I had become alive for you; I, too, walked slowly, and did not attempt to evade (逃避) you.
Suddenly, I heard your step behind me. Without turning round, I knew that I was about to hear your beloved voice directly addressing me.
I was almost paralysed (癱瘓的) by the expectation, and my heart beat so violently that I thought I should have to stand still. You were at my side.
You greeted me cordially (友善地), as if we were old acquaintances (熟人)- though you did not really know me, though you have never known anything about my life.
So simple and charming was your mariner that I was able to answer you without hesitation. We walked along the street, and you asked me whether we could not have supper together.
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I agreed. What was there I could have refused you?
We supped in a little restaurant. You will not remember where it was. To you it will be one of many such. For what was I?
One among hundreds; one adventure, one link in an endless chain. What happened that evening to keep me in your memory? I said very little, for I was so intensely happy to have you near me and to hear you speak to me.
I did not wish to waste a moment upon questions or foolish words. I shall never cease to be thankful to you for that hour, for the way in which you justified (證明…正當) my ardent (熱情的) admiration.
I shall never forget the gentle tact (老練) you displayed. There was no undue eagerness, no hasty offer of a caress.
Yet from the first moment you displayed so much friendly confidence that you would have won me even if my whole being had not long ere this been yours.
Can I make you understand how much it meant to me that my five years of expectation were so perfectly fulfilled?
The hour grew late, and we came away from the restaurant. At the door you asked me whether I was in any hurry, or still had time to spare.
How could I hide from you that I was yours? I said I had plenty of time.
With a momentary hesitation, you asked me whether I would not come to your rooms for a talk. "I shall be delighted," I answered with alacrity (輕快), thus giving frank expression to my feelings.
I could not fail to notice that my ready (迅速的) assent (同意) surprised you. I am not sure whether your feeling was one of vexation (苦惱) or pleasure, but it was obvious to me that you were surprised.
To-day, of course, I understand your astonishment. I know now that it is usual for a woman, even though she may ardently desire to give herself to a man, to feign (假裝) reluctance (不情愿), to simulate (假裝) alarm or indignation (憤怒).
She must be brought to consent (同意) by urgent pleading, by lies, adjurations, and promises.
I know that only professional prostitutes (妓女) are accustomed to answer such an invitation with a perfectly frank assent - prostitutes, or simple-minded, immature girls.
How could you know that, in my case, the frank assent was but the voicing of an eternity (永恒) of desire, the uprush of yearnings that had endured for a thousand days and more?
