Your community has a piece of land and is considering introducing a business to this land.
Which business would you prefer?? 1. A shopping mall 2.A performing art center 3. A hotel.
提綱:1. immediate interest. 2. far-reaching effect. 3. equality.
修改篇幅：60%
1.大邏輯（段落內部聯系，包括重新論證第二點：strong community），
2.第3點重新立論（試論更難的角度）
3小邏輯（人稱一致等）
修改時間：2 hours( 423 words)
People are now in the debate on which business to introduce to our community, a shopping mall, a performing art centre or a hotel. In my view, it is more desirable to have a performing art centre built in our neighborhood.
First, introducing a performing art center is in the immediate interest of local people. Such a facility will enable the gradual flow of theaters, musicals, operas, concerts and the like to put on stage, providing a feast for people's eyes and cultivating cultural refinement in their spare time. Imagine the thrill the local folks would have when they could finally appreciate at their doorway CATS or SWAN LAKE. Indeed, TV screens,radio waves or words in books will never give the same experience as felt when people are sitting and watching and listening right in front of the Gumbie Cat,?the?sopranos or the?ballerinas.
Second, performing art can have far-reaching effect on the building of a strong community. Through art, individuals experience the best that our collective humanness has to offer,not least?integrity,sense of national pride, empathy and?fraternity.Inspired, people will?dismiss?the modern disorientation caused by material pursuit. This empowerment by virtue of artistically-rendered stories with their heroes and?heroines, will in turn enhance people’s continued faith in hard work, in caring about their family and neighbors, in solidarity and coexistence, the exact elements for a community to prosper.
Third, building a performing art center in the neighborhood helps enhance equality. Mine isn’t a well-off community. But boys and girls living across my doors have no less ambitious dreams. At least they are entitled to a level play, which means equal opportunities and resources. Therefore, the people are all the more justified for a chance to learn the acquired taste especially when some argue the highbrow pastime isn’t for everyone. People may be different in or even discriminated for their wages, age, race, gender or faith. But in front of art, while pausing in?its embrace?to feel again what makes enduring humanity, all people are recreated equal, armed with hope and strength to create a brighter future themselves.
To sum up, in this ever materialized world, people are in need of more spiritual boost from art education. If given a chance to introduce a business to this vacant piece of land in our community, I will definitely welcome the idea of developing a performing art center to our neighborhood. Considering the immediate and profound benefits it secures, neither of the other two choices makes a rival.
