本文作者Darlene Lancer
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Shame and Emptiness 羞愧和空虛
Prolonged shame is coupled with psychological emptiness, whether felt asrestlessness, a void, or a hunger to fill it. For some, it’s felt as deadness,nothingness, meaninglessness, or?a constant undertone of depression, andfor others, these feelings are felt periodically – vaguely or profoundly,usually elicited by acute shame or loss. Many traumatized codependents hide a“deep inner hell that often is unspeakable and unnamable,” a “devouring blackhole,” which when contrasted with their hollow and empty persona, create adivided self, “massive despair and the sense of broken reality.”Addictsand codependents often feel this depression when stopping an addiction,including the ending of even a brief close relationship.?Same, guilt,doubt, and low self-esteem typically accompany?loneliness, abandonment, and rejection.
持續(xù)很久的羞愧是和心理空虛相伴的，不論是感覺到坐立不安，一種空虛或者是一種想要填補空虛的渴望。對于一一些人來說，它就好像死一樣的狀態(tài)，虛無，無意義，或者是一種沮喪的持續(xù)低音，對于其他人來說，這些感覺是周期性就會被感知-含糊地或深刻地，通常因激烈的羞愧或者損失引起。許多心理受到創(chuàng)傷的相互依賴關(guān)系藏著一個“通常是不可說出口和難以形容的深深內(nèi)部地獄”，一個“一直在吞噬的黑洞”，當(dāng)與他們的中空和空虛偽裝的外表相對比時，就產(chǎn)生了一個分裂的自我，“大量的絕望和破碎現(xiàn)實的感覺”。上癮的人和互相依賴的人在停癮，包括甚至是一個短暫親密關(guān)系的結(jié)束時，他們通常感覺沮喪抑郁。同樣地，愧疚，懷疑和低自尊會典型地伴隨著孤獨，拋棄和拒絕。
Internalized shame?fromchildhood colors loss and separation– as revealed in a stanza of a poem I wrote at 14: “Yet from day to day man is doomed, his sentence is what others see.Every move is judged and thus an image forms, but man is a lonely creature.”The “image” refers to my self-image etched in shame and loneliness. Thus, whenwe’re alone or?inactive, we may quickly fill our emptiness with obsession,fantasy, or negative thoughts and self-persecutory judgments.?We might attribute loneliness and unrequited love to our unworthiness and unlovability.This perpetuates our assumption that if we were different or didn’t make a mistake, we wouldn’t have been abandoned or rejected. If we respond by isolating more, shame can increase, along with depression, emptiness, and loneliness. It’s a self-reinforcing, vicious circle.
來自童年時期內(nèi)化的羞愧渲染了失敗和分離，在我14歲時寫的詩中的一節(jié)中反映到：“然而一天天人注定這么度過，他的話語就是別人所見那樣。每一步是判斷過的，因此一幅畫面形成了，但人是一個孤獨的創(chuàng)造物。”“畫面”指的是在羞愧和孤獨中被侵蝕的我的自我形象。然而，當(dāng)我們獨自一人或者不活躍的時候，我們可能快速地用癡迷，幻想或負面想法和自我被害判斷來填補我們的空虛。我們可能把孤獨和無回報的愛歸結(jié)于我們的無價值和不可愛。這使我們的假設(shè)長存，如果我們是與眾不同的或者過去沒有犯錯，我們就不會被拋棄或被拒絕。如果我們用更多的孤立來回應(yīng)，羞愧心能隨著沮喪，空虛和孤獨而增加。這是個自我加強的惡性循環(huán)。
Additionally, self-shaming and lack of autonomy deny access to our realself and the ability to manifest our potentialities and desires, further confirming the belief that we can’t direct our life. We miss out on joy,self-love, pride, and realizing our hearts’ desire. This reinforces our depression, emptiness, and hopeless beliefs that things will never change and that no one cares.
另外，自我羞愧和缺乏自治而否定進入我們真正的自我和有能力證明我們的潛力和心愿，更深確定的說明一個信條，那就是我們不能管理指揮我們?nèi)松Ｎ覀冨e過喜樂，自己愛自己，驕傲和認識我們內(nèi)心的心愿。這加強我們的沮喪，空虛，絕望的信條，那就是事物將不會改變也沒有人在意。
The Solution 解決方法
Whether we have existential or psychological emptiness, the solution?begins with facing the reality that emptiness is both inescapable and?unfillable from the outside. We must humbly and courageously assume?responsibility for ourselves, live authentically, and become who we are – our?true self. This gradually heals codependency and is the antidote for the?depression, emptiness, and meaninglessness that result from living for and?through others. See?Conquering Shame and?Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing?the True You?for the entire chapter on emptiness and how to heal.
不論我們已有存在的或心理上的空虛，解決之道始于面對空虛是不可避免的和從外界裝不滿的現(xiàn)實。我們必須謙卑和有膽量地為我們自己承擔(dān)責(zé)任，真實地生活和存在，并且變成我們自己-我們真實的自己。這會逐步地醫(yī)治互相依賴，是因著為他人活和通過他人來活著所導(dǎo)致的沮喪抑郁，空虛和無意義的解藥。請查閱“征服羞愧和互相依賴關(guān)系：8個步驟去釋放真正的你”中找到整篇關(guān)于空虛和如何治愈空虛的全文。
