引言

? ? ? ? 當我成為父母時，我想要找一本能夠總結出可以一步一步跟著做的書，這本書要含括了我（作為一名心理學專業的畢業生）所讀過所有關于教養孩子的最好方法。

? ? ? ? 我能夠找到關于孩子身體健康方面精確的指導書，但是，在兒童的社會與情感發展領域，我所能找到的都是一些信息量很大的書，這需要讀者閱讀幾百頁才能從中把最有用的教育方法找出來。

? ? ? ? 我的第一個孩子出生后，我開始自己的教育培訓事業。我開發出一個工作坊，為父母提供我成為父母后一直在尋找的東西。那時候，我就把它叫“什么成就了偉大的父母”。工作坊把最好的教育方法簡介而精確地交給大家。這些教育方法來自研究和臨床經驗，它們能夠幫助父母重塑孩子的問題行為，創造家人間的強大連接，并且引導孩子成長為快樂、友好而且有責任心的成年人。到現今，已經有成千上萬的父母參加過這些工作坊，現在也依然在進行著。

這些工作坊的靈感還有另外一個來源。作為一名心理學家，我為各種各樣的家庭做輔導，有的苦苦尋求解決孩子的權力之爭，又或習慣性的苦惱問題，有的家庭關系已經惡化到需要尋求專業幫助的地步了。

? ? ? ? 為這些家庭作輔導的經理讓我開始思考一個更大的問題：假如我可以在他們剛剛為人父母時就為他們提供一些信息，以幫助他們不出問題，讓他們擁有快樂的家庭生活，并且讓孩子茁壯成長，那么，我應該告訴他們什么呢？工作坊，以及這本書，就是基于這個問題而來的答案。

? ? ? ? 這本書有什么特別之處？

? ? ? ? 當我開始開發工作坊的時候，我創造了一份只有一頁的講義，把它叫做“偉大父母所做的10件事”，里面總結了工作坊里所教的十個關鍵方法。參加工作坊的父母很樂意跟朋友和假如分享這份講義，因此它得到了廣泛的傳播。我曾經接收到從全國各地發來的電子郵件，他們感謝我對他們的啟發和提醒，并且說他們把這張講義貼到了冰箱上（方便每天看）。

? ? ? ? 這本書的版式來源于我所接收到的許多家長要求，他們希望我總結出更多行動導向的好方法。我在每個教養方法后面附加了一些真實的案例，以及實踐提示，這也是我再工作坊中所做的。

? ? ? ? 許多教子書都需要你讀幾百頁才能找出里面的亮點和有用的方法，但這本書與之相反，它更像是一本實踐手冊，簡要而易讀，專注于有用的策略，讓你能夠立刻運用。

? ? ? ? 因此，我稱之為“簡單策略”，因為它們是以直接而精簡（但足以指導行動）的方式呈現出來的。但是，簡單的方法運用起來并不容易。雖然每個策略都經過精雕細琢，以使它們易懂易學，但是要在實際生活中改變之前一貫的做法是很難的。意愿和練習是改變的關鍵。

? ? ? ? 在此書中，你將會學到我在工作坊和個人輔導中所教的所有知識和技巧，包括給出提示、轉換語言、調整認知、同理心、重來的機會、合理的警告、制止行動、社會實驗、（避免）以獎勵做交換條件、情緒教練、快樂習慣，等等。此外，還包括如何把這些效果顯著的方法結合起來使用，以創造出你想要的家庭生活。你將會學到如何以不嘮叨、不吼叫的方式來管理孩子的問題行為（比如哭鬧和推拉）。你將學會幫助孩子成為有責任心、能管理自己生活的人。

? ? ? ? 這本書里的策略對于各個年齡段的兒童都適用。即便如此，這些理念、方法和例子主要是用于10歲以內孩子的教育，因為我的目標是幫助家長為創造一個孩子能夠茁壯成長的快樂家庭打下堅實的基礎。但是，晚開始總比不開始要好。對于孩子較大的的父母來說，教育孩子可能更加困難，但是卻仍值得努力。我們總是在不斷地建立跟孩子的關系，不論他們是兩歲還是二十二歲。

? ? ? ? 為什么寫實踐手冊呢？作為心理學家，我發現我大部分的病人——事實上，我認識的大部分人，包括我自己——常常認同某些建議，例如“強化你的核心肌肉，以保護你的腰”，或者“為了把投資風險最小化，要分散投資”，但是他們總是沒能將這些理念轉化為實踐。因為在很多情況下，他們不知道如何去做。他們對自己說：“是的，這是個好主意，我想要這樣做，可是我到底應該如何實行呢？”

? ? ? ? 類似地，在我做家庭輔導時，我發現父母們想要運用我教的原則，但可能不知道如何去操作。因此，這本書里的每個策略都以一個特別的環節結尾（“試試這個”），以給你能夠在家里使用的具體點子。這里面包括了循序漸進的指導和生活中要說什么和做什么的真實案例。

Introduction

WHEN I BECAME a parent, I wanted to find a book that would summarize, with an eye toward action steps, all the parenting “best practices” I had read about as a psychology graduate student.

I was able to find concise guidebooks for children’s physical health, but in the broad area of children’s social and emotional development, the best offerings were informative but required reading hundreds of pages in order to extract the most useful ideas, or they were overly focused in their subject matter.

After my first child was born and I started a private practice, I developed a workshop for parents that offered exactly what I had been looking for when I became a parent. Also called “What Great Parents Do,” the workshop presents simply and concisely the best practices—synthesized from research and clinical experience—that help parents reshape kids’ challenging behavior, create strong family bonds, and guide children toward becoming happy, kind, and responsible adults. By now, thousands of parents have attended these workshops, and they continue to this day.

The workshops were also inspired by another source. As a psychologist, I work with a variety of families, ranging from those seeking help to curb power struggles or habitual whining to those whose relationships with each other have deteriorated to such an extent that they need professional help.

Working with these families raised a broader question for me: If I could give parents critical information early in their parenting life that would help them get and stay on track to having a happy family life and raising kids who thrive, what would I tell them? The workshops, and now this book, are based on my answer to that question.

What Makes This Book Different

When I originally developed the workshop, I also created a simple one-page handout, called “10 Things Great Parents Do,” summarizing ten of the key ideas presented in the workshop. Parents were welcome to share this handout with friends and family, and it has since traveled far and wide. I’ve received e-mails from across the country written by parents thanking me for the insights and reminders and telling me the handout is now posted on their refrigerator.

The format of this book was inspired by the many requests I’ve received for more action-oriented summaries of parenting best practices. I’ve also included real examples and practical tips for each parenting practice (aka strategy) in the book, just as I do in the live workshops.

In contrast to the many parenting books that you must read or skim hundreds of pages in order to extract the highlights and useful ideas, this book is intended to be more like a practical manual: concise and easy to read, with a focus on useful strategies you can implement right away.

For that reason, I call these “simple strategies” because they are presented in a straightforward and pared down way while still giving you enough information to translate them into action. But simple is not always easy: Although each strategy has been crafted to be easily understood, actually doing something in a different way than how we have done it in the past can be difficult. Intention and practice are key (see #2).

In this book, you will learn all the information and techniques that I teach in my workshops and private practice: previews, power sharing, pivoting, reframing, empathy, replays, fair warning, stopping the action, social experiments, reward economies, emotion coaching, happiness habits, and more—plus how to combine them in powerful ways to create the family life you want. You will learn how to manage challenging behavior like whining and procrastinating without nagging or yelling, and how to help your children become responsible stewards of their own lives.

The strategies in this book apply to children of all ages. That said, my goal here is to help parents build a strong foundation for a happy family life with thriving kids, so the ideas, approaches, and examples presented here are primarily directed at children’s first ten years. But it’s never too late to start (see #75). For parents of older children, it may be more challenging but well worth the effort. We are always building relationships with our children, whether they are two or twenty-two years old.

Why a practical manual? As a psychologist, I have found that most of my patients—indeed, most of the people I know, including myself—agree in principle with advice such as, “To protect your lower back, strengthen your core muscles” or “To minimize investment risk, diversify your portfolio,” but aren’t always able to put those ideas into practice because, in many cases, they don’t yet know how. They think to themselves, “Yes, good idea, I want to do that, but exactly how do I do it?”

Similarly, in my work with families, I have found that parents want to use the principles I teach, but may not know exactly how to implement them. For this reason, each strategy in the book ends with a special section (“Try This”) to give you specific ideas for how to use it in your family, including step-by-step guidance and real-life examples of what to say and do.