本文作者Darlene Lancer

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Intimacy requires self-esteem

親密關系需要自尊

We all have needs for both separateness and individuality as well as for being close and connected. Autonomy requires self-esteem – both necessary in relationships. It’s an ability to stand on your own and trust and motivate yourself. But when you don’t like yourself, you’re in miserable company spending time alone. It takes courage to communicate assertively in an intimate relationship—courage that comes with self-acceptance, which enables you to value and honor your feelings and needs and risk criticism or rejection in voicing them. This also means you feel deserving of love and are comfortable receiving it. You wouldn’t waste your time pursuing someone unavailable or push away someone who loved you and met your needs.

我們都需要分離和個性以及親密和連接。自治需要自尊-在人際關系里這兩個都需要。它是一種堅持依靠自身和相信并激勵自己的能力。但是當你不喜歡你自己，你就在痛苦的陪伴中孤獨地花時間。在親密關系中堅定而自信地交流是需要勇氣的-勇氣來自自我接納，這使你能夠評價和尊榮你的感受和需求以及在表述它們的時候能面對有風險的批評或者拒絕。這也意味著你感受到愛是值得的并且是樂意接受愛的。你不會浪費你的時間去追逐某個你得不到的人或者推開某個愛你并且已滿足你需求的人。

SOLUTIONS

解決方案

Healing toxic shame from childhood takes working with a skilled therapist; however, shame can be diminished, self-esteem raised, and attachment style changed by altering the way you interact with yourself and others. In fact, self-esteem is learned, which is why I wrote10 Steps to Self-EsteemandConquering Shame and Codependency.Both books contain lots of self-help exercises. Sharing at 12-Step meetings is also very beneficial. Because assertiveness can be learned and also raises self-esteem, I wroteHow to Speak Your Mind – Become Assertive and Set Limits,?which guides you in learning those skills.

Couples therapy is an ideal way to achieve greater relationship satisfaction. When one partner refuses to participate, it’s nonetheless helpful if one willing partner does. Research confirms that the improved self-esteem of one partner increases relationship satisfaction for both.[3]Often, when only one person enters therapy, the relationship changes for the better and happiness increases for the couple. If not, the client’s mood improves and he or she is more able to accept the status quo or leave the relationship.

醫治源于童年的有毒的羞恥羞愧心需要一個有經驗技巧的治療師來做醫治工作；然而羞恥心能被減弱，自尊心提升了，變更你與你自己和其他人打交道的方式，依戀附著類型就會改變。實際上自尊是被獲悉的。這就是為何我寫了“自尊的10個步驟”和“征服羞恥心和互相依賴”，這兩本書都包含了許多自我幫助的練習。分享12步驟會議也同樣非常有獲益。因為堅定自信是能被學習的，同時也能提升自尊心。我寫了“如何表達你的想法-變得堅定自信和設置界限”一書，這本書能指導你學習那些技能。

夫妻療法是達到更大的關系滿意度的理想方式，當一個同伴拒絕參與，一個有意愿參與的同伴還是有用的。研究確認在一個同伴身上得到改善的自尊增加了雙方關系的滿意度。通常地當只有一個人進入治療的時候，雙方關系會變得更好，夫妻之間的幸福感也提升了。不然的話，客戶的情緒改善了，他/她更加能接受現狀或者離開這段關系。

?Darlene Lancer 2016

達琳藍瑟于2016