Book:?The Unwanted Gift of Grief
Author: Tim P. VanDuivendyk, DMin
Date: 2017/12/23-27
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主題：
書的主題是，grief是我們unwanted但來自于神的gift。在這個過程中，神會開始祂的醫治。它能給我們transformation，最終帶來走向wholeness & completeness，更好地去internalize神的永恒與真實。
你是否accept這個gift？
我：
主啊，我愿順服，可是我的肉體不愿，總想逃避。求你幫我。
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Chapter 7 - Wrestling?with sadness and depression
Depression is the darkness?before the dawn. The darkness may take more than a few months or even years. When one moves into depression, it often means that he or she is moving to accept the fact that what has happened will not change or go away.
In sadness and depression, there is a deep sense of gloom. These are the dark nights of the soul. We may wrestle with these nights of the soul many times before dawn comes. .... An inability to concentrate?permeates most events and may interrupt our ability to focus or work.?
Depression is similar to entering a dark tunnel or cave. It is so dark we may not see our hands or feet in the darkness, nor do we know where to place them in order to keep moving through the darkness. We notice that stopping along the way, does give us a bit?of rest and a time to cry, but we keep?on searching for light.
在Depress當中真的很不好受。正如黑暗的隧道中，好像永無止境。
The?more we avoid and run from depression,?the tighter and longer its grip. We need to?let the desert and the wilderness transform us.
Usually, the fastest and most effective way out of sadness and depression is through?it, not around the desert, not over the desert, not under the desert; but through the desert of depression.?
當面對痛苦的時候總想逃避。比如我是面對學業、未來的工作的籌備。有時候甚至是深陷于自己的難過情緒當中，無可自拔。
荒漠作為比喻真的一點沒錯。最好的方法是——通過它，也只能如此。
我無法想象當年我主在客西馬尼園、在荒漠的心情是如何，摩西、約書亞在荒漠中又是如何。但是他們都是存著信心。
對神掌權的信心，對神美好應許的信心。
我信：黎明、盼望、Healing，這些是一定會來的。因為黑暗、難過這些都是temporary，而禰，truth，真善美的極致和完美，是eternal。
In the desert, we will find growth and renewal. In the desert, we will hear the still small voice of God or nudge of the Holy Spirit. which will guide us to strength, wisdom, hope, future, and healing.?
By going into the desert, I do not mean that we isolate ourselves or withdraw from the world. I mean that we allow the pain to be experienced, as it needs?to be experienced. We allow our tears expression. Our tears?need a release and will speak to us in the midst of the release. Our sadness wants expression and this same sadness wants to comfort us.?
也是在這種狀況下經歷神的呼喚。雖然輕聲，真的很輕，但是那是得救的唯一方式。在走過之后，我們便能說：我經歷過神。
曾經風聞有你，如今親眼見你。
When we begin to heal, we often don't realize the healing movements.
The unwanted gift of sadness and depression often never gets utilized. God and the Spirit wish to embrace us in the pain. However, when our pain and tears surface, we often run away into business. Rather than stay too busy, we need to schedule time each day to go to the desert, feel the feelings, and reflect on our loss.
After many?nights, days, and sometimes weeks and months in the darkness, we take a turn and suddenly see off in the distance a brief light. Our step and hope quicken. We breathe faster in hopeful anticipation. We have been in the dark night of soul so long?we had forgotten what hope felt like. At times, we do not realize that we feel a little better until later or the next day. It is similar to realizing, "For a few minutes, I felt good yesterday."
In this state, it is often difficult to experience God's presence. God is often felt as distant or absent. The Holy One may seem transcendent, beyond, far away, or voiceless. Not being able to experience God out there beyond us, we often withdraw into our soul's inner sanctuary. We go deep into this inner sanctuary and, at some point, we may intuit, sense, feel, or perhaps hear the still small voice of God or the slight nudge of the Spirit. Our hope and healing quicken.?
Before, we did not believe that God was with us. But now, in the soul's inner sanctuary, we discover that the Spirit of God is imminently and intimately with us, even closer than our own breath.
In this wrestle, we enter the experience of the Garden of the Garden of Gethsemane. We embrace the cross and move toward resurrection. Our anxieties embrace peace. Our fears embrace courage, our doubts embrace faith, our despair embraces hope, our broken life begins to heal, and our grief finds direction. We are being made new. We are living towards resurrection.
神的治療在苦難中，不知不覺便出現了。祂微弱的聲音，一開始可能根本聽不清甚至不知道是來自于祂。
祂通過各種途徑，比如在你讀到的圣經，來自于他人的安慰，敬拜的講道等等，會告訴我們祂在我們身后作為我們的shelter。祂在我們painful的過程中，擁抱著我們。
這是healing的開端，來自于神的invitation。
在黑暗之中自己的掙扎是十分難受痛苦并且絕望。進入痛苦，正如神進入客西馬尼園。也是讓我們能進入客西馬尼園。我們在痛苦中能體味神為我們受的苦，去體味祂的荊棘冠冕，去體察祂的十字架，去感受為我們受的鞭傷。祂經歷這些是為了解決罪的問題——祂已經解決了罪的問題，我們已得勝。我們相信基督，信祂的名，必定得勝，也必定有祂給我們帶來的平安。
這Healing讓我們在經歷苦難的過程中，慢慢學會跟他建立更深的關系，讓我們用盡一切方法去找祂、去抓住祂給我們帶來的盼望，并依賴他。在痛苦中，能讓pain去擁抱peace，fear能被神的courage填充，受傷的我們也能經歷healing。
In the desert, we "let go" of what we hold on to so tightly in our lives. We let go of the one we lost. We let go of the way life was. We let go of yesterday. By letting go, we enter mystery. Our thinking gives up on emotions and feelings. Our tears may release and flow. Our masks and facades give up to transparency. Our adult logic gives up to regressing into feelings of a child state again. The rational self gives up to wonder. Our need to control gives up to letting go and letting be. Our awareness of temporal time gives up to eternal awareness. We let go of the way life has been and, as a result, our life is transformed toward depth, height, breadth, and newness.
Our spirit is transformed towards healing and wholeness. All things become "new," yet, we still know the old. We are grasped by the Spirit and participate in a faith, which sees through things, people, sadness, despair, and depression with new eyes.
In the desert of depression and sadness all things are being made ultimately new, ultimately healed, ultimately whole and holy. Through this painful wresting, we began to differentiate and individuate toward new being. We let go and transform. We internalize the truth. This was a truth we knew all along but could not fully grasp. This truth is that all things are gifts but are also temporary. We are invited to die to the old in order to rise up to new life. This process is painful, yet leads to transformation.
You know it takes time and works to get through it. You know the road is not easy. As with the caterpillar, you know that in order to become a butterfly, a transformed creation, you must enter a process of giving up the way life has been in order to find new life. You know that metamorphosis is a difficult work but brings transformation.
God from the eternality seeks us.?
He is the truth that seeks us.
我們的最終歸宿也是永恒和完整。保羅說，人看為有益的、肉體所看重的，對于他來說都是有損的——比如他的身份、地位、知識。這些為了能更親近神，他都let go。若不是為了神，這些都是他與神之間的障礙。
我呢？我的完美主義，我的理想情懷，我喜歡在我的小世界里面暢游，我引之為豪的興趣，我的高道德和價值觀，我喜愛“舒服”、“愉悅”、“快樂”的感覺。
這些都交給禰了。這些都是temporary、虛無的，我也不要再抓。雖然很難，每天早上起床，這些都扎根在我腦海里和心里。
這些全部給你，我才是“靈里貧窮”，才能夠以你的靈為生命。在這個痛苦的荒漠中，吸收禰為我生命的根本，從而我得以transformed——正如毛毛蟲變為蝴蝶。
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