Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s 5 Love Styles
米蘭教授和Kay Yerkovich所研究的5種戀愛類型
Although it is a conscious effort and choice on our part in becoming the people we strive to be, it is without a doubt that our childhoods shape us to a certain extent. How we choose to react to different situations and the way we express ourselves are behavioral patterns that are formed starting at a very young age when we first began to learn how to make sense of our immediate environment. Marriage and family counselors Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich discovered that everyone has a certain love style based on their upbringing.
雖然在我們可以在努力成為我們想成為的人方面有有意識的努力和選擇，毫無疑問我們的童年在一定程度上塑造了我們。我們如何選擇對不同環境的反應還有我們表達自己的方式是我們在很小的時候就形成的行為方式，那個時候我們剛開始學習理解我們的即時環境。婚姻和家庭咨詢師米蘭教授和Kay Yerkovich發現每個人都有一個基于他們教養環境的戀愛類型。
A love style is comprised of our tendencies and inclinations of how we respond to our romantic partners. By understanding how we love, we can learn how our love styles affect our relationships.
一種戀愛類型是由我們對戀愛對象的反應傾向構成的。通過理解我們如何愛的，我們可以了解我們的戀愛類型對戀愛關系的影響。
- The Pleaser
討好型
The pleaser often grows up in a home with an overly protective or angry critical parents. As children, pleasers do everything they can to “be good” and on their best behavior, so as not to provoke a negative response from their parent. Pleaser children don’t receive comfort. Instead, they spend their time and energy giving comfort to their reactive parents.
討好型的人生活在一個父母過度保護，容易生氣，愛挑剔的家庭里。作為討好者的孩子做自己能做的一切去做“好孩子”，結果導致了父母消極的反應。討好者孩子接受不到安慰，相反，他們花時間和精力去安慰他們被動的父母。
Pleasers are uncomfortable with conflict and deal with disagreements by often giving in or making up for them quickly. They usually have a hard time saying no and because they want to minimize conflict, they may not be truthful and lie to avoid difficult confrontations. As pleaser children grow into adults, they learn to read the moods of others around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy. However, when pleasers feel stressed or that they are continuously letting someone down, they can have a break down and flee from relationships.
討好型的人在處理分歧和矛盾中是不舒服的，他們經常屈服或很快和好。他們不懂的拒絕別人，因為想把矛盾最小化。他們也可能為了避免困難和對峙而不真誠或和撒謊。當討好型小孩成人之后，他們會讀別人的心情確保每個人都開心。但是當討好型的人感覺到壓力或讓人失望時，他們可能會崩潰或者從關系中逃離。
In the past, I have dated a pleaser. He grew up being the perfect role model in school, earned the academic title of being valedictorian, and went to two Ivy League schools both for his undergraduate and graduate studies. While it seems like someone like him is well put together and has it all figured out, I noticed that he was painfully uncomfortable with conflict. Instead of talking about what bothered him, he would ignore me for days without any warning and often saw problems as the end of something, rather than wanting to work them out. He cared more about the opinions of his close friends and family members that it seemed like he was at a total loss when I asked him what his own personal opinions were.
曾經，我和一個討好型的人約會。他是學校的模范學生，是優秀畢業生代表，因為出色的本科和研究生學業去了兩個常春藤學校。盡管看起來他這樣的人很干練和也活得明白，但我發現他面對沖突時極度痛苦。他不說因為什么而煩惱，反而會沒有警告地忽略我好幾天，而且經常把問題看成結果，卻不想著解決問題。他太在意好朋友和家人的意見。當我問他自己的看法時，他完全不知所措。
Pleasers often spread themselves thin trying to be everything to everyone when it’s not realistic. And instead of forming healthy boundaries for themselves to build a strong independent self, they focus more on the needs and desires of others. In order for pleasers to cultivate stable relationships, they have to be honest about their own feelings, rather than what “should be” or what is expected of them.
討好型的人嘗試每件事對每個人都好，卻一樣也沒弄好，因為不切實際。相對于為強壯的自我建立一個健康的邊界，他們更專心于別人的需要和渴望。討好型的人要想培養穩定的關系，他們需要對自己的感受誠實，而不是在乎什么“該做”或被期望做。
- The Victim
受害型
The victim often grows up in a chaotic home. Victims learn to be compliant in order to survive by putting less attention on themselves as much as possible so that they can stay under the radar. To deal with their angry violent parents, victim children learn at a very young age to hide and stay quiet. Because being fully present is painful for them, victim children often build an imaginary world in their heads to cope with the dangers they face on a daily basis.
受害型的人常成長于一個聒噪的家里。他們為了低調行事，盡可能地不引人注意，能忍受抱怨。他們在好愛生氣的父母相處中，很早地學會了隱藏自己并安靜下來。因為完全地展現自己對他們來說是痛苦的，受害型的人經常在頭腦中創造一個想象的世界來面對日常生活的危險。
Victims have low self-esteem and usually struggle with anxiety and depression. They may end up marrying controllers who mirror the same behaviors they dealt with in their childhood home environment. Victims learn to cope by relying on compliancy and going with the flow. They are used to chaos and stressful situations so much that when they do experience calmness, it actually makes them feel uneasy as they anticipate for the next biggest blow-up. In order for victims to cultivate healthy, stable relationships, they have to learn self-love and learn how to stand up for themselves when a situation calls for it, instead of letting their partner walk all over them.
受害型的人自尊感低，經常在焦慮和沮喪中掙扎。他們可能最終嫁給控制者型的人，因為他們在童年的家庭環境中展現相同的行為。受害型的人處理方法是順從和順其自然。他們習慣了嘈雜和壓力型的環境，所以,當他們確實經歷安靜時刻的時候，他們會感到不安，像要準備下一個大爆發一樣。受害型的人要想經營健康穩定的人際關系，他們不得不學會自愛，且當情況需要的時候，為自己發聲，而不是完全讓別人利用自己。
- The Controller
控制型
The controller usually grows up in a home where there wasn’t a sense of protection built, so they learn to toughen up and take care of themselves. Controllers need to feel in control at all times to keep the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood from revealing in their adulthood. To these people, having control means protection from experiencing negative feelings of fear, humiliation, and helplessness.
控制型的人經常是成長在沒有建立安全感的家里。所以他們學著自己變堅強和照顧自己。他們需要時刻感有控制一切的感覺，去防止他們童年時經歷的脆弱重現。對這些人來說，控制力意味著對經歷害怕，羞辱，和無助這些消極感覺時的保護。
Controllers don’t associate anger as being vulnerable, so they use it as a weapon to remain in power. Controllers have rigid tendencies, but may also be sporadic and unpredictable. They don’t like stepping out of their comfort zones, because it makes them feel vulnerable and stripped of protection. Controllers prefer to solve problems on their own and like getting things done in a certain manner, otherwise they get angry. In order for controllers to form stable, long-lasting relationships, they need to learn how to let go, trust others, and keep their anger at bay.
控制型的人不把生氣和脆弱聯系起來，所以他們把生氣用作權力的武器。控制型的人有嚴格的趨勢，但是有時分散和不可預知。他們不喜歡邁出舒適區，因為害怕安全感的失去和脆弱感。控制型的人喜歡按照自己解決問題，而且用確定的方式，否則他們會傷心?？刂菩偷娜艘胗蟹€定持續的人際關系，他們需要學會放手，學會信任別人，學會不生氣。
- The Vacillator
糾結型
The vacillator often grows up with an unpredictable parent. As children, vacillators learned that their needs aren’t their parent’s top priority. Without consistent affection from their parent, vacillators develop a deep fear of abandonment.
However, when the parent finally feels like giving their time and attention to them, vacillators are usually too angry and tired to receive it. As vacillators enter adulthood, they try to find the consistent love they were deprived of as children. Vacillators have a tendency to idealize new relationships, but once they feel let down or disappointed, they grow dejected and doubtful.
Vacillators often feel misunderstood and experience a lot of internal conflict and emotional stress within their relationships. They can be extremely sensitive and perceptive, which allows them to detect even the slightest change in others and know when people are pulling away. In order for vacillators to cultivate healthy, stable relationships, they need to learn how to pace themselves and get to know someone first before committing too soon and getting hurt by their own expectations.
糾結型的人經常感到被誤解，在人際關系中經歷大量內心斗爭和情感壓力。他們會極度地敏感，這會讓他們察覺別人哪怕極細微的變化，別人的離開也知道。糾結型的人要培養健康穩定的人際關系，需要知道怎么調整自己的速度，在急于付出之前先認清楚別人，不要被自己的期望傷害。
- The Avoider
回避型
The avoider often grows up in a less affectionate home that values independence and self-reliance. As children, avoiders learned to take care of themselves starting at a very young age and put their feelings and needs on hold to deal with their anxieties of having little comfort and nurturance from their parents. Avoiders tend to like their space and rely on logic and detachment more than their emotions. They get uncomfortable when people around them experience intense emotional ups and downs. In order for avoiders to cultivate healthy, long-lasting relationships, they need to learn how to open up and express their emotions honestly.
回避型的人長在不那么親熱的家里，家人重視獨立和自立。在很小的時候，回避型的人學習照顧自己，為了處理因缺乏父母的安慰和撫育產生的焦慮，能夠控制自己的情緒和需要?；乇苄偷娜藘A向于擁有的自己空間，依賴邏輯和冷靜而不是他們自己的感情。當周圍的人有激烈情感的波動時，他們會感到不舒服?；乇苄偷娜艘囵B健康和持續的關系，需要學習打開心扉和誠實地表達自己的感情。
I’m currently dating an avoider and it’s actually going great. He learned a lot from his past relationship and did a lot of self-reflecting. As someone who has difficulty managing my emotions and letting them control so much of my life, he’s been teaching me how to monitor them and use all the negative intensity as learning experiences I can grow from. In return, I try to show him that it’s okay and essential to grow attached and be emotionally vulnerable.
